Is Courtship Dead?

Dating in Modern Times - Part 1

Dearest Reader,

The commentary about New York City is usually that it’s a walking city, but traditionally it’s also a dating city. Some of the best romantic films have been set in NYC like When Harry Met Sally, You’ve Got Mail, Moonstruck, West Side Story, Frankie and Johnny, Maid in Manhattan, Serendipity, and Sleepless in Seattle (nevermind how painfully white most of those movies are for now, I’m driving towards a point). And yet, from what I understand, the dating scene is now basically mediated by AI and unrealistic expectations akin to Uber Eats…the apps are essentially running the show. 

Full disclosure, I am personally exploring the dating scene, but I’m kind of old school myself. I was raised by people born circa WWII and they’re both from East Africa, so my conception of dating though pretty modern is rooted in rather ancient indigenous ideals not contemporary fads of seemingly superficial values and clout chasing. I’m unfailingly optimistic about finding the right partner for my value system because as surely as I know I exist, a decent counterpart must also exist. I suppose being an immigrant helps because I don’t limit myself to the United States. I quite literally believe the world is my oyster, so out of 7 billion humans I’ll figure it out. 

Though in recent years as I have rather blissfully focused on being in right-relationship with myself and nurturing aligned friendships, I have been casually surveying the dating landscape. There is a HBO documentary called Swiped: Hooking Up in the Digital Age (2018) that was entirely reflective of the anecdotes I hear from women more actively involved in the modern dating scene. Namely, I have been told that people essentially shop for partners through these apps, expectations for intimacy and sex are hurried and usually documented via sexting or photos, people juggle multiple partners on a regular basis (even if that’s not their ideal scenario) and consistency/longevity is not really vogue anymore. 

Swiped kind of reflected these anecdotes I’ve been hearing back to me and if I felt that this culture of courtship through lucrative applications was a better approach, I would be fine with it. Look, sometimes the apps work very well. I’m not a luddite, but as an indigenous person I do value the methodologies from my elders because they assured my existence in this modern age, so why throw the baby out with the bath water? Though as far as I can tell the apparent demise of spontaneous encounters that lead to slow, steady exploration of another person as a potential partner (even if one is casually dating several people openly and non-exclusively in this slow, methodical manner), has not really translated to the modern dating scene. Women are sexualized in a manner that depresses me, based on looks almost entirely and men are similarly objectified and encouraged to exploit an algorithm that favors a small crop of “available and attractive” (see: physically fit and shows it, white or white passing, moneyed) men to a disproportionate number of women looking for something respectfully fun and/or committed. 

I know polyamory is a popular concept in the culture right now, but again as an indigenous person that’s nothing new. And yet, for whatever the reason, most people ultimately desire exclusivity with a partner. I suppose like most things it has to do with survival in harsh environments. But I also think this deeper value of “love” is a huge driver. Love, though often associated with heightened attraction and excitement, is something much deeper and more reliable. Love, which I think many of us covet with family, friends and lovers alike, is a sense of belonging, care and trust. 

When I was younger, I really didn’t care about commitment, genuinely could give damn. But I mostly enjoyed exclusive, casual relationships. At this point, I am exclusively interested in authentic connections with a path towards commitment which is a welcome change of pace and reflective of a more loving relationship with myself. Courtship, in my view,  is how you get there in one piece with your integrity and that of the relationship intact. A classic definition of courtship is: “a period during which a couple develop a romantic relationship, especially with a view to commitment or marriage.” But as far as I understand it as people get categorized into searchable characteristics for these apps, it’s making people far more picky and judgmental of what human beings are actually like, plus it encourages inward and outward deception on a scale I have never seen--meaning people lie A LOT more than I remember. 

Another film that I think captures the modern dating scene in a brilliant and disturbing way is B.J. Novak’s Vengeance (2022) which tells the story of a wannabe podcast producer in NYC (some Brooklyn based gentrifier with big city dreams--no shade, but shade) who hooks up with a young musician that mysteriously dies once she returns to her native Texas, but not before she tells her family that her app hookup is her boyfriend. Instead of confessing to her grieving family that he barely remembers this hookup partner since he’s addicted to modern dating, he takes the invitation to her funeral as an opportunity to make a cynical podcast episode about small town, southern conspiracy theorists looking for an answer in the death of a young, white woman and NYC dropout. The film is actually quite good and thankfully exposes the male protagonist as a judgmental big-city asshole with some redeeming qualities. But What stays with me is this deterioration of courtship which is effectively a humanizing process. 

Even when I think back to dating in high school, in the complete absence of modern dating technology which only became popular when I was in my late 20s, early 30s I think, you had to spend time with people to know them. Today it can be very easy to think that social media and dating apps are a means to really knowing a person which is partially true. But I find that the incentives of the technology reward hyperbole and prestige more than the mundane and authentic. Literally the more outrageous and flashy you are, the more the modern attention economy you get access to. This essentially incentivizes deceit. 

I suppose there is no easy conclusion to this exploration of courtship in modern times and is probably worth some more exploration in the Loving Spoonful Weekly Newsletter, but on the question of courtship’s health, I think it's definitely on the ropes. But I also think that many people are dissatisfied by the technology that (mostly) white nerds in Silicon Valley are building to mediate a world they feel alienated within so they build tools under the guise of simplifying, but I think they’re mostly complicating things. Again, I feel like a modern woman and I respect technology, but I’m not convinced these lives being curated online or in apps are as nutritious as the ones we can co-create offline.  

With Love During End Times,

Agunda